Things never do sustain between me and people. I don't know who on earth really cares for me and they probably don't know who I care about either. I'm sorry I haven't done my part.

I'm kind of very jealous of people who have loads of friends waiting to celebrate their birthdays with them. Have I made it blatantly obvious that I do feel so insignificant when I didn't have a form of celebration at all? No, I didn't because I repeated to myself (and others) over and over again that I shouldn't expect anything at all. (Two friends DID surprise me at night, at my place, which pleasantly surprised me when I expected nothing at all). That day, I realised many others didn't actually treat me as a close friend, or a good friend to say the least.

I'm jealous of people who drift away from their friends but get back with them anyway. I've lost all my friends I've drifted away from. And they probably know nuts about what I'm thinking, think I don't give a damn and therefore do not bother either.

I'm jealous of people who make people feel comfortable around them. I'm jealous of people who have someone to love them for who they are. I'm jealous.. of so much. What the hell happened to my nil expectations? All this is killing me, killing me...

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I saw some photos. I don't get it. I wasn't the only one who had "things" going on with them, and I wasn't the only one she was angry with once. But I am the only one who has been excluded from every trip and activity since everything, and the only one who's unable to talk to them properly up till now. I don't know how much those smiles we exchange actually mean to them, probably nothing much to me.

I honestly don't care much about being back there again, but it disturbs me to know I never ever get close to anyone after I drift away from them.